This blog will focus on the art of prose and verse. Sometimes discussing works of literature or sometimes discussing narrative techniques or going wherever our interests take us.
Monday, January 5, 2015
A place to explain your revision based on previous Nouns and Verbs post
If you feel like it this spot is where you place your reasons for your Noun and Verb revisions.
"trip" changed to "flight" to create a parallelism with crash image. "I had picked up" changed to "was dealt" 4 image of the card sliding toward me. "Just last year" changed to "There" for concision. "a failure and I washed up at age seven" changed to "a washed up seven year old flunky" for concision and cadence with "nineteen hundred and seventy six". Flunkie was spelt wrong to emphasize failure. "put those" changed to "hung" for duple visual effect of hanging sign and hanging person "a man" changed to "the police officer’s" because to image what the car looks like. "out of" changed to "from" for concision. "easy" changed to "soft" because its tactile. "let us melt" changed to "left us to melt" for parallelism to the word "right" "concluded" changed to "discovered" because it has action associated with it "grade one" changed to "first grade" because its less abstract, provides a sense of a beginning & parallels "discovered" and "started" and creating a rule of 3 "That’s the stage where they teach you the basics, the stepping stones toward a future life of reading and writing and success in The Game of Life" changed to "That’s the singular stage where you hammer down and level flat that limestone foundation on which to build white and august towers of knowledge." because it's more visual "grade one teacher" changed to "first grade teacher" its better when read aloud. "The problem was that my grade one teacher was new, fresh out of school and fantastic looking" changed to "The Gordian Knot in this beautiful mess was wound around three facts about her; she was young, she was fresh out of teachers college and she was fantastic looking." because "knot" is concrete, "beautiful" is a reference to teacher, "wound" projects entanglement "She was" is repeated three times to keep the cadence in parallel and to emphasize the points. "her body" was changed to "her curves" because curves is sensual with motion and body's implied. "tingles" was changed to "tremors" because tremor projects sound and movement "urges" was changed to "vague yearning" so the two words match with the two words before for parallelism "night sweats" was changed to "electric-night-sweats" because sometimes plain single nouns don't exist and "electric" has a tactile feel. "about her" was changed to "over her" to create the hidden two part hidden meaning. "I was unsure" replaced by a subordinate clause beginning with "unsure"a counterpoised to "sure". "Green" changed to "cat-green" because connotation of cats being standoffish, independent and manipulative "eating" changed to "devouring" it projects a controlling predator image of a man-eater. "enmeshed" added after "stockings" to maintain trapping images. "Smooth" and "nylon" added because "smooth" is tactile and "nylon" provides an image of attempted escape only to be recoiled and brought back to imprisonment, "black" project power menace. "problem" was changed to "elephant in the room" because its a noun simile with clear definition
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Explanation of the revision.
"trip" changed to "flight" to create a parallelism with crash image.
"I had picked up" changed to "was dealt" 4 image of the card sliding toward me.
"Just last year" changed to "There" for concision.
"a failure and I washed up at age seven" changed to "a washed up seven year old flunky" for concision and cadence with "nineteen hundred and seventy six". Flunkie was spelt wrong to emphasize failure.
"put those" changed to "hung" for duple visual effect of hanging sign and hanging person
"a man" changed to "the police officer’s" because to image what the car looks like.
"out of" changed to "from" for concision.
"easy" changed to "soft" because its tactile.
"let us melt" changed to "left us to melt" for parallelism to the word "right"
"concluded" changed to "discovered" because it has action associated with it
"grade one" changed to "first grade" because its less abstract, provides a sense of a beginning & parallels "discovered" and "started" and creating a rule of 3
"That’s the stage where they teach you the basics, the stepping stones toward a future life of reading and writing and success in The Game of Life" changed to "That’s the singular stage where you hammer down and level flat that limestone foundation on which to build white and august towers of knowledge." because it's more visual
"grade one teacher" changed to "first grade teacher" its better when read aloud.
"The problem was that my grade one teacher was new, fresh out of school and fantastic looking" changed to "The Gordian Knot in this beautiful mess was wound around three facts about her; she was young, she was fresh out of teachers college and she was fantastic looking." because "knot" is concrete, "beautiful" is a reference to teacher, "wound" projects entanglement "She was" is repeated three times to keep the cadence in parallel and to emphasize the points.
"her body" was changed to "her curves" because curves is sensual with motion and body's implied.
"tingles" was changed to "tremors" because tremor projects sound and movement
"urges" was changed to "vague yearning" so the two words match with the two words before for parallelism
"night sweats" was changed to "electric-night-sweats" because sometimes plain single nouns don't exist and "electric" has a tactile feel.
"about her" was changed to "over her" to create the hidden two part hidden meaning.
"I was unsure" replaced by a subordinate clause beginning with "unsure"a counterpoised to "sure".
"Green" changed to "cat-green" because connotation of cats being standoffish, independent and manipulative
"eating" changed to "devouring" it projects a controlling predator image of a man-eater.
"enmeshed" added after "stockings" to maintain trapping images.
"Smooth" and "nylon" added because "smooth" is tactile and "nylon" provides an image of attempted escape only to be recoiled and brought back to imprisonment, "black" project power menace.
"problem" was changed to "elephant in the room" because its a noun simile with clear definition
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